LOVE RIGHT NOW!

Published by Diane Anderson, MA
Registered Clinical Counsellor

LOVE RIGHT NOW! is an electronic newsletter with the purpose of helping people create love and happiness by transforming hurtful patterns of relationship!

Feature Article: Responsibility in Relationships: What's Going on on Your Side of the Volleyball Net

Please forward Love Right Now! to your friends, family and associates.

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In This Issue:

1. Note from Diane
2. Feature Article: Responsibility in Relationships:
   What's Going on on Your Side of the Volleyball Net
3. Love Byte
4. Action Step to Improve Your Relationships NOW!
5. More Action Steps
6. Seminars & Workshops
7. Counselling & Consulting
8. About Diane Anderson & Associates
9. About this Ezine

1. Note from Diane:

Dear Readers,

This edition has been a long time in the making! We've been through a FABULOUS time of growth and expansion at Diane Anderson & Associates. While all this activity has been welcomed and exciting, it was unfortunate for our LOVE RIGHT NOW! newsletter—which kept being pushed aside until"later." But here we are back in full force!

Thanks to your many referrals to us, Diane Anderson & Associates has been experiencing phenomenal growth! I have invited two very talented and experienced women to join me as Clinical Associates. Lorill Drummund (Registered
Clinical Counsellor) and Edel Walsh (Registered Professional Counsellor and Certified Life Coach) joined my practice in the middle of May 2007. Lorill practices from her office located in White Rock and Edel from her office in Vancouver's West End.

I will talk more about these wonderful women in next month's newsletter. In the meantime, you can view their profiles on our website later this week to learn more about who they are and how
they practice.

Aside from setting Edel and Lorill up with their clients, we have been busy presenting 8 (!) seminars and workshops over the past 6 weeks!  We had wonderful success with these seminars and workshops and are very pleased and excited to be able to reach out to the larger community with information you can use right now in your relationships! I'll tell you more about this in the "Seminars and Workshops" section below

And yes, it is true! I have started interviewing couples for my upcoming book, What Makes Love Last?: Secrets from Successful Couples! I am always looking for referrals and introductions to couples with happy, loving, vibrant
relationships. If you know of someone who you think would meet the criteria of "happy, loving, vibrant relationships"--and who have lasted at least 10 years together—please ask them to email me at Diane@DianeAndersonCounselling.com. I would love to get your recommendations! I strongly believe it is essential to hear the stories of those who have survived the test of time and who live with a deep love and passion for each other, and to especially hear about that in their own words!

Finally, I receive numerous requests for resources that I would recommend to my clients, colleagues, or family members on many different topics and problems. For your convenience, I have made a list of my favorites over the years that, in my own experience, have been helpful for
clients and me. I have added a website page called "Resources" at www.DianeAndersonCounselling.com that lists all the books I have enjoyed or found helpful. There is a link to Amazon.com (another resource I like for convenience and efficiency) so you can quickly order copies yourself on-line.

BTW, our Valentine's Day newsletter contest produced a winner! Tracey B. from Vancouver, Canada, submitted an excellent letter on why she thought Vitamin T (touch!) was better than chocolate. Thank you Tracey! (BTW, she received a FREE "Vitamin T" t-shirt for her efforts.) Thanks to all of you who made a submission. It was fun to hear from you!

Until next time... happy loving!

Diane

2. Responsibility in Relationships: What's Going on on Your Side of the Volleyball Net

Have you ever watched professional sports? If so, you know how easy it is to be an armchair coach or commentator. It's very easy to point out what these professional players or coaches are doing wrong when you're watching from the
sidelines. Why? Because you have a different perspective and you are removed from the pressure of the performance.

Relationships are like that too! It's incredibly easy to point the finger at your partner and to see his or her mistakes and foibles are. We can become very precise at noticing what our partners short-comings are. But perhaps we should be focusing on a different perspective?

I played volleyball in high school. What I remember is that despite how good or bad the opposing team was, the most important job for my team was to pay attention to what we were doing on OUR side of the net. If things weren't going
well on our side, we weren't going to get that ball over the net to score points. No points and you CAN'T win the game!

It's the same in relationships. So instead of focusing on what your partner is or isn't doing, why not focus on what's going on on YOUR SIDE OF THE NET! As they say, when you point your finger at others, there are always three finger pointing back at YOU! (And of course this can apply to ALL relationships, not just love relationships!)

If you blame, criticize, and complain—and then justify these actions—you are playing the role of the victim. I encourage clients to let go of playing the role of "victim" in relationships and to focus on what they are doing that is
contributing to problems and frustrations.

For example, I have a friend who is always being the strong, stoic person in the relationship. She learned early in her family that expressing your distress or hurt was useless... her parents were too preoccupied with their own adult
problems of alcoholism and depression to take her concerns seriously. 

She is married to a great guy, but he is very scattered, forgetful, shy, and withdrawn. She has played the role of Ms. Responsibility—keeping a well-paying, but unsatisfying job while he "discovered" himself in one failed business venture after another. 

She organized the family events, booked all family appointments and vacations, cleaned the house, looked after the kids and dogs, and was the social coordinator... while he played video-games. She was constantly covering up for his insecurities and making excuses when his self-absorbed or neglectful behaviours ruined a friendship or dashed a job opportunity.

They were a good balance in some sense: the more incompetent and incapable he became, the more competent and responsible she became!

In the early years, my friend tried to drop hints as to what her husband could do to make the relationship more fair. Then she began to complain, then criticize. All to no avail. As the years went on, my friend was understandably frustrated and run ragged from being the ONE doing the work of TWO in the relationship.

And then she got sick! And for about a year she could no longer do all the things she used to.

And guess what? Her husband became very, very competent! He was quite capable and things ran very smoothly in the family despite her extended hospitalizations.

This is when my friend realized something very important. As long as she had been "over-functioning" in the relationship, he simply complemented her energy by "under-functioning."

And although all of us had repeatedly encouraged her to stop complaining to US about him and to stop picking up his slack, it was clear to us all that she didn't know how to NOT "over function!"

My friend had been so busy focusing on his behaviour (or lack thereof) that she never once looked at how she maintained the imbalance. It took getting very sick and being bedridden for her to stop doing all the work.

But what if she hadn't gotten sick? Would she have been able to examine what she did to contribute to this problem? Would she ever have come to understand that her compulsion to over-function was an attempt to prove her "worth" in the relationship? Would she ever have understood that her sharp criticism, nagging, and perfectionistic tendencies made it hard for her husband to feel competent in her presence? 

Those days in the hospital and the long talks with her terrified husband helped her to develop a compassion for him and herself. She came to see that she created this self-imposed suffering! As a child, she had made an unconscious decision to be a heroic, "super" daughter who would be good enough to finally be seen and cared for by her neglectful parents? And she transferred this into her next important love relationship with her husband.

Until she saw what SHE was doing, until she understood what was going on on HER side of the net, she and her husband were locked in an impasse of disappointment, frustration and despair. 

Their unlocking happened as a result of an illness. But what if you begin to look carefully NOW at what you are doing that contributes to the problems and frustrations in your relationship?

If you look beyond the frustrating behaviours of your partner and look deeply and honestly within yourself, what are you doing that adds to the dynamic?

Do you say what you need?  Do you tell the truth about your own hurts, desires, vulnerabilities? Do you acknowledge your own shortcomings or cover them up with haughty anger or arrogance? Do you shut down when you should speak up? Do you shout out when you should listen with your heart?

Be responsible for paying attention to what's going on on your side of the volleyball net. And then watch how the game of relationships begins to change and everyone wins!

3. Love Byte

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

Mahatma Ghandi

4. Relationship Action Step #4—"Let Go of Playing the Victim!"

You can be "right" or you can be in a relationship! It's your choice.

Every time you blame, justify, or complain, you are focusing on the negatives in your partner, but are you also looking  at yourself with the same keen, critical eye?

Before you say anything to your partner, ask yourself:
"How am I contributing to this situation? Are my behaviours supportive or unsupportive? Honest or with-holding? Fair or unfair?"

Then ask yourself, "And now what am I going to do about MY behaviours?"

Then make the commitment to turn things around with your own behaviors first! BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD!

And keep in mind, identifying the underlying issues with frustrations can be challenging because, as they say, "to the fish the water is invisible!" 

If you need help, find a counsellor who can assist you  both in getting to the real root of the problems!

5. More Relationship Action Steps

Want more tips on Relationships?

For more tips, download my 21-page FREE report: 21 WAYS TO WIN AT LOVE?

Or check out the Articles page on my website.

6. Seminars and Workshops

Our first free seminar, What's Love Got To Do With It?—The Secret Psychology of Relationships! held in South Surrey, was a very big success! We filled the first evening seminar within 48 hours of announcing it and to accommodate the number of requests, we added 3 other dates and moved "the show" to Vancouver too. Over 120 people attended. For those of you who could not attend, we promise to get a bigger room next time!

The seminars were videotaped and we will be offering them in a downloadable DVD version on our website... just as soon as we can catch our breath, take some holidays and then figure out how get them edited! We will send out an announcement when the DVD's are ready for viewing.

Our second seminar, Relationships, Emotions and Wellness: The Vitamin "T" Factor, was another free seminar we offered in June. Tony Arias, owner of The Nutrition House, here in White Rock invited us to present at the Semiahmoo Mall's Health and Wellness Fair. We presented to over 75 people over three different nights.

Those of you who read our Valentine's Day article are already in-the-know about the importance and benefits of Vitamin T (touch) to emotional health and fabulous relationships. But this was a popular topic at the Health and Wellness Fair! We were very honoured to be able to speak on such an important topic.

Reaching out to the community and sharing our knowledge is so important to us at Diane Anderson& Associates. After all, we believe that knowledge provides the power and choice to make a difference in ALL relationships.

Our first workshop, This Thing Called Love, was a full-day event. We had a great time with the couples and individuals who attended. We will be offering it again in the late Fall and will send announcements to you to "hold the date" via this newsletter. 

We will be posting more information about the workshops—and what the seminar and workshop participants said themselves—on our website.

7. Counselling & Consulting

Are you struggling in your relationships?

Do you seem to have a pattern of being hurt or hurting others?

Do you want to take your relationship to the next level?

Whatever your relationship concerns and questions are, we can help.

Married, living together, dating or looking for that special someone, we will show you how to identify your relationship problems accurately, transform your frustrations into the moments that bring you closer together, and repair hurts that have occurred along the way.

We can also help you enhance and deepen an already solid and satisfying relationship by realizing your life-long desires and goals for loving.
 
Contact us for a fre.e 10 minute phone consultation. Together we can explore how we might help you solve your relationship problems.

For general inquiries, you can email our Administrator who will set up your free consultation, make an appointment or answer your questions at info@DianeAndersonCounselling.com

or visit our website:

www.DianeAndersonCounselling.com

8. About Diane Anderson

Diane Anderson, MA, is a Registered Clinical Counsellor
who assists individual and couples in healing hurtful pattern of relationships and creating the happy, healthy loving relationships they long for. 

Diane has been on all sides of relationships: married, divorced, and now happily remarried again. She knows what it takes to make or break a relationship as a couple, how awfully painful and costly it is to go through a separation
and/or a divorce and how challenging it is to dive into the relationship swimming pool again!

She has also been a client of several relationship therapists, so she has a keen sense of what helps couples sort out their relationship troubles.

Diane says, "I am a happy, living example of how hurtful patterns of loving and relating can be changed!"

Diane lives and practices in beautiful White Rock, British Columbia, Canada!

Edel Walsh is a Registered Professional Counsellor and Certified Life Coach. Edel works from West-End Vancouver office is especially convenient for those in the downtown core, the North Shore, North Burnaby, and South and East
Vancouver areas.

Lorill Drummund, Registered Clinical Counsellor working in White Rock office. Both Lorill and Diane are convenient for people located in Richmond, Surrey, Coquitlam, Cloverdale, Langley, Mission and further in the Fraser Valley. We are also convenient for Washington residents, especially Blaine, Bellingham and Seattle areas.

9. This Ezine

Feedback:

Your feedback, input and suggestions for upcoming articles are always welcome and appreciated. Please send your comments to:

info@DianeAndersonCounselling.com

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Back Issues:

If you would like to read previous issues of this ezine, you will find them at: www.dianeandersoncounselling.com/articles.htm.

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Copyright Diane Anderson, 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Diane Anderson, MA
Registered Clinical Counsellor
T: 778-292-0260
E: info@DianeAndersonCounselling.com
www.DianeAndersonCounselling.com

Suite 188
800-15355 24^th Avenue
Surrey, BC
V4A 2H9
CANADA

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Diane Anderson & Associates — Counsellor
Serving: Greater Vancouver, Surrey, South Surrey,
White Rock, Langley, Cloverdale, Fraser Valley, and Tsawwassen, British Columbia as well as Blaine,
Bellingham, and Seattle, Washington.